Mary Gable (Pseudonym)
It’s been a summer. A long, hot summer.
It went awry when I got covid. Days before, I’d felt an unexpected sadness, or perhaps
a prophetic concern. Two days later, I was flat in bed instead of boarding a flight. Plans
canceled, I fought severe body aches, wondering why.
Months later, I can see how God has been pulling me closer; stilling my soul in a way I
find it hard to explain. If I boil it down, I’ve had to surrender over and over to find value in
simple, slow days.
However, while forced to crawl, I’ve learned a few things worth sharing.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance of my spouse’s neurodivergence requires a radical acceptance of
self. Who would’ve thought?
After years of working to understand our differences and hoping we’d find common
ground, I’ve had to accept that my spouse doesn’t want to learn from my insight. While
he has lowered his defenses and takes notes while we discuss hard things, I never
know what suggestions will be remembered or embraced. In fact, I’m trying more and
more to face the reality that we will most likely never build schemata. Every day will be new. Every moment a potential for misunderstanding. It’s just what it
is.
But instead of internalizing the conflict and confusion, I can celebrate the me that I am
while accepting the uniqueness we are. I don’t need to reflect the emotional disconnect
in how I view my day-to-day life.
Oh… it’s hard. It’s taking a lot of quiet, consistent work to learn to think in new, radical
ways.
But the truth is, I can love my husband and accept him for who he is, but only if I do the
same for myself.
A and B Days
As I was contemplating radical acceptance, something unusual happened. Let me
explain.
Sometimes my husband welcomes my input, and I carefully offer my thoughts. But
about the time I get comfortable, I’ll wake to a day where he pushes back on the same
subject. When that happened over a recent medical issue that divided us, I heard
myself say, “I guess you’re having a B-day today. Yesterday was an A-day, when my
input was okay. But today it’s not okay. So, it must be a B-day.”
I felt so free at that moment. His shifting had nothing to do with me and I suddenly had
no need to chase connection. It was simply a B-day, when for whatever reason, my
input wasn’t welcome.
Ironically, he apologized the next morning and invited my input again. And since that
day, he hasn’t pushed back. Some might say I should forgive him and move on. And
maybe in time, my insides will calm. But for now, with too many A and B days dotting
the past two months, I’m comfortable accepting either may come my way again.
For now, that’s progress.
Reciprocity vs Emotional Support
One counselor we worked with highlighted my spouse’s lack of reciprocity. For years I
thought I could replace that with emotional support from others. While that support
remains vital, just this morning I realized how much the lack of reciprocity impacts our
daily lives.
It’s the silence that follows heartfelt sentiment.
It’s the lack of planning around my schedule.
It’s the persistent contradiction, subtle or not.
And the two-lane approach to most issues.
Your way. My way. My way. Your way… Instead of our way.
While friends can meet my emotional needs—no doubt—no one can stand in for my
day-to-day role as a wife. And with my spouse unwilling to consistently face and work
through our neurodiverse issues, I’m left to manage our differences as I only I can.
For now, that means accepting that when I’m with my spouse, I will face
inconsistencies, surprises, forgetfulness, and the constant burden that I’m not seen—no
matter how many years we’ve shared the same bed.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking for pity. I’m putting this out there in black and white
so I can hopefully accept my reality with love. My spouse loves me. Takes care of me.
Provides for me. And wants the best for me. I don’t doubt that.
But when it comes to interpersonal, reciprocal, relational ideals, we struggle and will
most likely always struggle. So, if I can adjust to what is and need less, I will wake to
less stress and far more self-acceptance.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing crazy or trying to streamline what is
convoluted. It’s not going to happen. By redirecting the energy I’ve spent trying to fix us,
we’ll both be much happier.
Now… can I do it? I don’t know.
Stay tuned. I’ll let you know in a few months.
*Mary Gable has contributed other blogs such as Stuck, Unstuck, and Strength from the Bench to name a few of her blogs for this post.
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