Dan Holmes (and thoughts from Stephanie in bold italics)
The other night we (Stephanie and I) had a highly volatile argument. It was an explosion that we hadn't experienced in decades. I came unhinged. I went from joyful to stupid enemy mode in seconds. It was highly unusual.
Stephanie: Dan has erupted in anger less than a handful of times in our almost 30 years of marriage and 40 years of knowing each other. The shock of the abrasive words and accusations were piercing after I got over the shock and wonderment of “Who is this person right now?” This is not Dan! While over and over in my mind I was saying this is not Dan and Dan would never hurt me, my body went into a trauma response. My arms locked over my chest and ankles bound together like a mummy. My heart racing, my thoughts and my heart were at war with each other. What on earth provoked this and why again is he protecting the “other person” of the story I shared when I wanted him to share concern for a mutual beloved person?
We went to bed in a mire of shock and sadness and uncertainty. The uncertainty was what could have triggered such an extreme reaction? She said how our interaction hurt her and what it was like for her was emotionally being speared. That was my first awakening. I returned to the relationship with her pain in my mind and worse that it was at my hand.I was the one who had speared her.
I have mentioned in both our groups and in 1/1s the analogy of 'taste and see'. It draws on the scripture Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the Lord is good". That invitation from God also works in relationships with those around us. When the relationship is 'bland' and you put in effort to find a richer experience, you are rewarded (presuming your partner shares the sentiment).
After my volume returned to normal, we had a short but unsatisfying talk about what just happened. The following morning I left early for an already planned hiking trip with our daughter. To my surprise, Stephanie greeted me before I left (6ma) with reassurance (hesed - loyal love). I now had 2+ hours in the car and plenty of time for contemplation. I used all 2 hours and remained unsatisfied with the outcome.I still did not know what provoked such a reaction. The issue that triggered me was nothing about me, not even about us.
Stephanie:My body stayed in shock almost that entire night. My brain knew “Dan has never laid a hand on you, you are safe!” but my body said “Stay back” and my heart palpitated most of the night. I wanted to give some reassurance that we would work it out and I was still glad to be with him. I was not in enemy mode, I was in triggered mode and while I wanted to reach out my body was still locked up and could not rest.
Fast forward to the following afternoon and the car ride home. We talked during my drive exploring the possibilities of causation. The tone was calm and had the feel of two people looking for a common solution. She asked questions. She was vulnerable. I was honest. Though many ideas were explored, again we came to a "I don't know" conclusion. And what that means is that although this episode is over, it doesn't provide confidence we can avoid this going forward.
Stephanie: We were about to interviewed on what makes our marriage work, yet we had this huge rupture to explore. Neither of us wanted to pretend and be inauthentic so we strived to figure it out. It was over, not settled but we had to move forward. We may not ever know the reason.
Dr. Wilder said in a recent email: So, real time skills needed for attachment to be joyful are not going to work at verbal communication (slow) speeds. Most people are looking for verbal solutions that are fairly ineffective and certainly not "safe."
That email I had received last week, and it was mulling over in my head that a conversation would not solve this. As much I wanted him to understand how he got there and how he saw me as an enemy so quickly when unprovoked will remain a mystery. I had to go back into my memory on who Dan is, and remind myself and him who he is really is and that one painful moment did not define him or us. But we never know what truly sparked that reaction which can leave me unsettled, but I remember- this is not him and whatever happened he has asked for forgiveness and to return to joy we cannot stay there in that moment. It was addressed and confessed and true repentance, but the mystery remains.
The following morning, I spent time with pen and paper and mulled over all we talked about. As I wrote I gained clarity. I did come to what is a plausible origin. I called her (it was early - 7am) and we talked through what I discovered (before I lost the lucidity to the day's events). We agreed that what I wrote was likely the cause and put to rest the best we could the weekend.
So how is this 'taste and see'? Many times we (I) think of this as something you get. You tried something and were rewarded. In this case, we started this from a bad place and needed to work through the conflict and in doing so, that conflict yielded healing and intimacy.
Stephanie: While I would not want to experience that again, I did experience what many women have in neurodiverse marriage and that is a trauma trigger freeze response in their body and inability to process what has just happened and that feeling of “unsafe.” What is different for me, is a partner who chose to work through it instead of managing an image. This leads me to another part of Dr. Wilder’s most recent email.
Dr. Wilder wrote: It is impossible to build joy and attachment with a defense mechanism or sustain joy with a performance/false self. It is spiritually impossible to build a relationship by doing the right thing as that always ends badly. All these elements are present in the problems you mention around building an attachment with a partner. We can only have joy being with someone's true self and if we don't know our own or see the other person's true self it is usually because we cannot handle one or more of the big six emotions and so have developed defense mechanisms. That brings us back to the impossibility of having joy with a defense mechanism.
I am thankful Dan chose to be called back to his true Christ-identity self and turn on his relational circuits. He laid the defense reaction down when I shared he had just speared my heart and devastated me to the core. He could have escalated to enemy mode, but he paused and reflected and chose to hear me and said, “I forget that while you are strong and a fighter of all the causes, you are still soft on the inside.” While I am a strong willed and fierce defender of others, my heart can hurt and shatter too.
What I could have been offered was coldness yet what she offered was compassion through her pain. It was a model of loving your 'enemy'; it was a model of hesed. It was also a choice to 'redeem' me and us. There was an opportunity to allow this to create separation and harbor bitterness yet she chose otherwise; she chose us. She picked me - again.
Stephanie: In a recent read of Dr. Wilder’s Renovated, a key theme is anyone can love their neighbor or those who do good to them, your true test of maturity is how do you love when you are treated as an enemy or love your enemies. This has been an intentional prayer I had been seeking the Lord about growing in for someone in my circles that has been hard to love; a family member treating me as an enemy. I believe in my letting go of contempt for this person and asking God to show me how to love well and love those who see me as a threat or enemy. I was being prepared in my heart for this moment which came out of the blue. While I had no idea Dan and I would have this huge conflict, my obedience in prayer to another helped me in this current battle of self to remain in hesed/love because I knew who Dan was, but he had forgotten.
That is 'taste and see'. That calls me to a higher place. That reminds me of who I am and what we do. This was healthy correction in action.She is a treasure and a gift and it creates sadness in me that I tarnished and scarred what I hold so dear and through this sequence of interactions now hold on tighter to who we are. Who has been forgiven much loves much and that attachment will propel me to being more of who I should be.
Stephanie: With us choosing to grow together, while this was a painful moment, in the end we chose to keep the relationship bigger than the issue and return to joy.
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