Taken from Uniquely Us! Gracefully Navigating the Maze of NeuroDiverse Marriage
Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes and Barbara Grant
Marriage work is where most couples want to start after they receive a diagnosis, but they may not both be ready to change or for the work ahead. It is important to discuss what is marriage work and what is individual work.
Question 1: Is there an addiction of any kind in either spouse? This includes substances of any kind (alcohol drugs, prescription medications etc.), pornography, sex or fetishes, food, gambling, technology or gaming. If there is an addiction or abuse of the above, these items are individual issues to be worked on. These issues cause marital problems, but they are issues that can and should be worked on individually, first. Marriage coaching and counseling are not the ideal context for working on these issues as substance abuse and addictions are specialties that require specialized care.
Question 2: Is there active abuse that makes it unsafe to work on the marriage in the same
home? If there is domestic violence or any form of active abuse, it may not be safe to work on the marriage under the same roof. Safety is paramount. If one or both spouses are abusive, this should be worked on before marriage work. Abuse is an individual or character issue that impacts marriage, but it is not marital work. The one who is abusive needs to do substantial Interpersonal work before marital work is safe. Specialized help is required for this type of work.
Question 3: Are there childhood traumas or adverse events that have not been worked on by
either party? This work needs to be done individually. Sometimes it can be worked on
simultaneously as marriage work is being done, but working through childhood trauma and
abuse is individual work that will impact marital work. We recommend that each person do their own work with someone different than the marriage coach or counselor.
Question 4: Is there trauma right now in the relationship? Depending on the type of trauma (A or B) marital work may be able to be started, but your coach or counselor may need to work with each of you separately before working together. Safety is important and regulating is important before starting marital work together. Your neurodiverse-trained coach should also be trauma-informed.
Question 5: Are there any BEEPS? BEEPS: Defined by Wilder and others in Joy Starts Here as: Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People, or Substances that we attach to INSTEAD of attaching to people and God in joy. This is work that each person should examine individually as without examining this in each person, where there are fear bonds according to Wilder or BEEPS, it is more difficult to work on joy or love bonds.
Question 6: Does each spouse acknowledge and accept the neurodiversity in the marriage?
While a formal diagnosis may not be necessary, true change in marriage is difficult if both
spouses do not acknowledge and accept neurodiversity and also change their expectations. Each partner is responsible for learning about autism, ADHD, and neurodiversity and its impact on marriage. If both partners agree, marital work will be more fruitful. If so, working with an autism-trained coach or counselor can be fruitful.
Question 7: Is each partner willing to look at their contribution to the marriage and be
coachable and teachable with humility and openness? Never is the marriage issue 100% to be blamed on neurodiversity. Are both willing to look at the factors that lead to the negative or trauma cycles? Are both committed to doing their work? If so, working with an autism-trained coach or counselor can be fruitful.
Question 8: Is either partner angry and defensive about the neurodiversity in the marriage? Some individual work may be needed in addition to marriage work by a qualified and knowledgeable autism-trained coach or counselor.
Question 9: Are there struggles and challenges in co-parenting children with neurodivergence as a neurodiverse couple? Additional care or support may be needed to understand the needs of special needs and/or neurodivergent kids. Co-parenting of both NT or ND children is difficult for NDCCs to traverse together and will need additional support. Who is in your community to offer support? Is parenting coaching needed as well? This is separate from marriage work.
Question 10: Are there struggles and challenges in co-parenting children with neurodivergence? Additional care or support may be needed to understand the needs of neurodivergent and/or special needs kids. Co-parenting is often difficult for NDCCs to traverse together (for both NT or ND children) and will need additional parenting support. Many communities have family support resources for how to parent neurodivergent children, and such support is separate from marriage work.
The contributing authors believe in the transformative power of groups. Group work is also a
great way to get started in your marital work or individual work with qualified and trained
coaches who work with NT/NA spouses, NA/ND spouses, or couples’ courses for Neurodiverse Christian Couples.
1. Wilder, E. J., Khouri, E., Coursey, C., & Sutton, S. (2013). Joy starts here: The
transformation zone. Independently Published.
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