Dan & Stephanie Holmes, Authors of Uniquely Us and NeuroDiverse Christian Couple
Marriage is often described as a journey, and for a neurodiverse couple, it can sometimes feel like navigating a complex maze. With challenges in areas like executive functioning, social communication, together time, and self-care, it’s easy to feel lost or overwhelmed. But God calls each couple to a unique purpose, and that includes finding ways to make marriage work for you—your way. Neurodiverse Christian couples can build a marriage that reflects the beauty of two unique individuals, united by their faith and strengthened by their differences. We are not saying this is an easy or quick process by any means! But let’s look at what it takes to be Uniquely U!
The first step in any marriage is acknowledging that God designed both you and your spouse with intention. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This means that the neurodiverse traits you or your spouse possess are not accidents or flaws; they are part of God’s intricate plan for your lives. Building a “unique” marriage looks more like building systems and strategies based on your strengths and as Dr. Wilder says in multiple books while “holding each other's weaknesses (or differences) gently.”
In a neurodiverse marriage, the challenges may be different, but the opportunities for growth, love, and unity are equally powerful. It starts by embracing your differences, seeing them as complementary strengths rather than obstacles. Together, you and your spouse are building a life that is uniquely yours, reflecting the diversity of God’s creation. This is why we believe it is important for BOTH partners to know and understand they are a neurodiverse couple and change expectations accordingly while being willing to grow in understanding of each other and building skills in weak areas.
Both will be stretched to grow!
The Maze of Executive Function
Executive function refers to the mental processes that allow us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks. In a neurodiverse relationship, one or both partners might struggle in this area, leading to frustration and misunderstandings. Tasks that seem simple to one partner, like organizing a schedule or planning an event, may feel overwhelming to the other.
For example, you might find that one partner has difficulty sticking to routines or remembering important dates, while the other feels burdened by having to manage the household tasks alone. These moments can create tension if left unaddressed. However, understanding that this is part of the neurodiverse dynamic can help you approach the issue with grace and compassion. Chapter 8 in Uniquely Us outlines 12 aspects of executive function from author Robin Tate, MS & MA which discuss various scenarios and tips for executive function differences.
Strategies for Navigating Executive Function Challenges
1. Divide and Conquer: Identify each other’s strengths and weaknesses when it comes to executive function. Perhaps one partner excels at long-term planning, while the other is better at handling day-to-day tasks. Divide responsibilities in a way that allows both of you to feel empowered rather than overwhelmed.
2. Set Up Systems: Use tools like shared calendars, to-do lists, and reminders to reduce the mental load. Technology can help fill the gaps in executive function by providing structure and accountability.
3. Give Grace: Remember that the struggle with executive function is not about laziness or a lack of effort. Be patient with each other and recognize that both of you are doing your best.
Social Communication: Speaking Different Languages
Communication is the heartbeat of any relationship, and in a neurodiverse marriage, the challenges of social communication can be profound. One partner may have difficulty reading social cues or expressing emotions, while the other might feel frustrated by the lack of connection or understanding.
These differences can sometimes feel like you’re speaking different languages. You may find yourselves misinterpreting each other’s intentions, leading to feelings of isolation or resentment. Chapter 7 of Uniquely Us by retired SLP, Carol Reller discusses the challenges of her and her husband Greg as well as growth tips for each partner.
Strategies for Navigating Social Communication Challenges
1.Clarify and Confirm: In a neurodiverse marriage, assumptions can be dangerous. Instead of assuming you know what your spouse is feeling or thinking, ask direct questions. Clarify intentions and confirm understanding to avoid miscommunication.
2. Learn Each Other’s Language: Just as you would in any cross-cultural relationship, take the time to learn your spouse’s unique way of communicating. This may include recognizing nonverbal signals, understanding when your partner needs time alone, or realizing that they may express love in ways other than words. Many times the NT spouse spends a lot of time understanding the AS/ND spouse but for a mutual, reciprocal and healthy marriage the AS/ND spouse can learn more about the NT way of thinking and communicating as well.
3. Practice Active Listening: Often, neurodiverse individuals have intense focus on specific topics or interests, which can lead to one-sided conversations. Practice active listening, where both partners have the opportunity to share and feel heard. A good conversation looks like a friendly tennis match with the conversation “ball” going back and forth over the “net” allowing space for each to share.
4. Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, the communication gap may feel too wide to bridge alone. Seeking counseling or coaching, particularly from someone experienced with neurodiverse couples, can provide valuable tools to improve communication.
Look on Group Coaching for when another Uniquely Us is available!
Groups are available each semester!
Pre-order your copy or learn more about the first book on Autism-Faith-Marriage: Uniquely US!
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