Practical Advice for Setting and Communicating Healthy Limits
By Barbara Grant, MMFT, CAS, NCC
In a neurodiverse marriage, BOTH partners need to get educated, realign expectation, learn to communicate and even to grieve. Identifying what you need take responsibility for in the process of healing and repairing your marriage will require defining boundaries.
Ask yourself, “What do I need to be healthy? What can I actually control, and what must I let go of?” This is no easy process, as many Christian couples have built a large part of their personal identity on being “one flesh” in marriage (Genesis 2:24, NIV). But “one flesh” does not mean one person; if we are Christ followers, we are given a primary identity of being “children of God” (1 John 3:1, NIV) and called to put God first in our lives (Matthew 22:37, NIV); Are we able to trust God to help us and provide for our needs, whether our spouse does or not? Are we living for an audience of “one” (God)? Shifting our weight from self-reliance or co-dependence to God-dependence is another helpful milestone to aim for.
Most couples exhibit some degree of enmeshed or co-dependent thinking and behaviors. These are often unconscious, as they are learned in our families of origin. I’ve not yet had a client come into coaching with a well-defined sense of healthy boundaries. Few Bible studies and sermons seem to address this, and many Christian teachings over the centuries have actually generated guilt around having healthy individual boundaries (“don’t be so selfish!”). Thankfully, there are now some excellent Bible-based resources that address this very topic: one I often recommend is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
A primary suggestion I give to all couples who begin coaching is to offer each other grace and space. By this, I mean that any habits of fighting, criticizing or controlling should cease, and both spouses should shift their attention away from what they dislike in the other to working on themselves: what are they each doing that contributes to the tension, confusion or dysfunction? What do they each need to learn about their neuro-profile and how it differs from their spouse’s? Couples very often report that giving grace and space has immediate and positive impact on the tone and stress levels in the home. One partner can give grace and space, even if the other isn’t yet ready to change. The peace that comes with any level of “cease fire” is also of great value to any children. Declaring a “cease-fire” allows each partner to channel energy, focus and expectations towards their own opportunities to heal and grow.
Change in neurodiverse relationships takes a lot of energy. It’s not a sprint, but definitely a marathon! And each individual must decide to change, regardless of what the other chooses to do. If one partner is not ready for coaching, the other can still begin and pursue change and healing. Taking personal responsibility to develop habits of healthy self-care during this passage of healing is very important. Identifying and respecting each other’s needs and limits (boundaries) is both a way of loving and letting go of previous attempts at criticism and control. Needs are different than desires; needs are the basic requirements for physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Desires are what we want. While having regular, edifying sex within marriage is desirable, it is not a need. Sometimes if there has been emotional damage, sex can be burdensome and even traumatizing. If a partner’s healthy needs are not able to be met within the marriage, the partner should be free to explore meeting these needs through other relationships or resources (using wisdom, of course!) Getting wise counsel and remaining transparent and accountable to one another is important in rebuilding trust.
I have taught many clients a script for how to communicate a personal boundary by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15a, NIV). I call this a triple-decker “Love Sandwich.” Here are the steps:
Affirm the other and the relationship.
Explain what needs to change (the “Citation”) without blaming or shaming.
Offer another affirmation of love.
Suggest what the change might look like (the “Invitation”).
Close by again affirming something hopeful and positive about the other or the marriage.
When used, a Love Sandwich boundary message might go something like this:
(AFFIRMATON): I love you, and I know you love me.
(CITATION): Because we love each other, I want you to know that when you react to my ideas with anger and criticism, it makes me feel put down and discounted.
(AFFIRMATON): I know we both want our relationship to improve…
(INVITATION): Therefore, I'd prefer you stop yourself when you get angry, and take time to process your feelings instead of saying something that may unintentionally hurt me, okay?
(AFFIRMATON): I have faith that you can accept this and join me in improving our relationship!
While not intended, sometimes one or both partners have patterns of behavior which can have an abusive impact; any kind of abuse (verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual or financial) is unhealthy and ungodly. If there is ongoing abuse, then firmer boundaries – with consequences – may be needed to protect the grace and space each spouse needs to recover and heal. Boundaries should first apply to oneself, and then be communicated lovingly to one’s spouse. They are meant to be protective, not punitive. However, many of us don’t begin to change until we are confronted with the consequences of our unhealthy choices. Example: by itself, a speed-limit sign on the freeway does little to motivate speeding drivers to slow down; it’s the speeding ticket and fine (the consequence) that motivates a change in their behavior!
Deciding on appropriate consequences can be tricky. Think of a consequence as something that can escalate if the boundary keeps being ignored. Example: the initial consequence of a speeding violation is a ticket and fine. But most states allow drivers to attend traffic school to keep the infraction off their record and insurance. However, if someone is caught speeding again within a specified time period, they have to pay another fine, but they can’t take traffic school again, so “points” are counted against their record, and their auto insurance goes up. If they speed again, their license could get suspended, and if they keep it up and fail to appear in court, their fines could skyrocket, they could lose their license for several years, and jail time may be in order. Escalating consequences, all for the same violation of speeding.
When implementing consequences, it’s best to start with a warning, and then only after you’ve first communicated the boundary in love (Love Sandwich). An example of restating a boundary and adding a warning (describing a possible consequence) might go something like this (note the changes to the previous script in bold):
(AFFIRMATON): I love you, and I know you love me.
(CITATION): I told you before that when you react to my ideas with anger and criticism, it makes me feel put down and discounted.
(AFFIRMATON): I trust you are trying to help our relationship improve…
(INVITATION): So once again, I'd prefer you walk away and process your angry feelings instead of saying something that may unintentionally hurt me, okay?
(AFFIRMATON): I have faith that you can accept this and join me in improving our relationship…
(WARNING) However, if this happens again, then my response will be to get some distance from you and to take some time and space for self-care and prayer.
Separation – or divorce – are ultimate consequences which though unfortunate, are sometimes necessary. In some relationships, separation can have the effect of motivating the other spouse to finally get into the action stage of change. However, those options should be very far downstream in the change process, and should only be considered if there is ongoing abuse or other such behaviors that threaten a spouse’s or family’s emotional, mental or physical health and safety. Decision support for separation ideally would come from a circle of wise and godly advisors who understand neurodiversity, as well as good legal and financial counselors. Separation should only happen once the separating spouse has taken responsibility for changing their own unhealthy or abusive patterns of behavior.
Growth Tips for Boundaries:
Spend some time listing out your true needs vs. your desires.
Stop complaining and expecting your spouse to change; stay in your lane!
Think about how your family of origin did (or didn’t) have healthy boundaries.
Identify unhealthy boundary habits that you can change.
Use the Love Sandwich template to write out your boundary messages.
Consider sharing a boundary in writing instead of verbally: this helps make sure you share it in love and gives your spouse grace and space to understand and respond to it.
Cultivate curiosity and humility when presented with your spouse’s needs and boundaries.
Prayerfully evaluate how you may unintentionally be enabling or even abusing your partner; get input from wise and informed advisors.