Boundary Essentials for Neurodiverse Couples – Part 2

Resistance to Setting and Respecting Boundaries 

By Barbara Grant, MMFT, CAS, NCC

In a neurodiverse marriage, BOTH partners need to practice self-care and develop self-control, as well as define their personal boundaries and communicate them with love. To do this well, it is essential that Christian neurodiverse partners develop a secure identity in Christ. It’s the strength and grace we have in Christ that gives us the dignity, courage and power to change. The apostle Paul wrote, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength: (Philippians 4:13, NIV). So, what trips us up?

People-pleasing is the number one reason most clients say they don’t set boundaries: they are afraid of confronting and hurting someone’s feelings and of being rejected. Conversely, when we do set boundaries and it provokes angry resistance or conflict in the person we have confronted, we often feel guilty and wrong for causing a conflict. (“Don’t be so selfish!”) We retreat in confusion and frustration and become enablers; we may even distance ourselves emotionally, stuffing our feelings until we become overly critical or controlling, overly anxious, or experience weight gain and/or physically illnesses (or a combination of these). It’s almost like we’re taking on the negative consequences for the other person’s unhealthy behaviors! None of these responses are godly or promote resolution and reconciliation. They keep us – and our loved one - stuck in unhealthy patterns of insecurity and unresolved discord. In fact, it’s unloving to not set boundaries (“love always protects”- 1 Corinthians 13:7a, NIV).

Research in neuroscience is shedding light on how God designed the brain to function: this scientific work is producing neurological data about how we develop a sense of our identity starting at birth through young-adulthood, and how different parts of our brain function to help us survive and grow in wisdom. To some extent, the brain is able to evolve and mature throughout our lifetimes, especially when we are free to make mistakes and learn from them in a safe, loving relationships. Our brain’s ability to evolve is called neuroplasticity1. 

Here's a very simplified explanation of neurodevelopment: We now know that if a baby is (or is not) lovingly cared for, it can directly impact their sense of security. They can feel accepted and safe or rejected and under threat of abandonment. This impacts how well they will come to trust and relate to others (also known as attachment theory 2). If a child is traumatized by ongoing insecurity and fear of rejection (inflicted by parents, siblings or school bullies), they often grow to act out of their limbic system (their “survival” brain that responds to danger with unsettled emotions and behaviors like fight, flight, freeze or fawn). If a child is more secure, they will eventually learn to think out of their pre-frontal cortex (the rational brain) and find ways to self-regulate instead of reacting in anxiety, fear, and shame. Balanced brain development can support a person’s sense of dignity, courage, curiosity and emotional resilience when faced with trials and threats. An often-overlooked aspect of childhood insecurity and trauma is that it can predispose us to humiliation (shame) instead of humility (repentance)3. Neuroscience also reveals that the workings of a neurodiverse brain can be similar to one that has been influenced by trauma: both ASD and ADHD brains can function in ways that may result in hypersensitivity towards rejection and shame (known as rejection sensitivity dysphoria 4,5). 

How does insecurity and shame interfere with boundaries and change? As children, these negatively influence our habits of thinking and behavior which impact our emerging sense of identity: we unconsciously behave as fearful, insecure beings. This is the opposite of God’s invitation that we become “more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37, NIV)? How can we tell if we’re insecure? Become observant: If we make mistakes and are challenged, do we readily accept and admit our shortcomings, and humbly change? (Again, God wants us to learn to do this, since Romans 8:1 (NIV) says “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”!) Or do we react in shame, covering ourselves with fig leaves and shifting blame like Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:7-13, NIV)? I confess that I have spent the greater portion of my life in fear, denial, shame and blame-shifting. It was only when I encountered and accepted the security and grace of Jesus Christ that I was able to renounce my shame-based identity and begin to live in freedom to learn and grow.

It is sad that, over the centuries, much of the church’s teaching has unintentionally trained us to act like powerless enablers, and to then suppress our resentment instead of speaking the truth in love (setting boundaries). We are primarily afraid of rejection and abandonment. We become people-pleasers, or worse, self-reliant and insensitive to the needs of others. Neurodiverse and neurotypical alike, we cannot live in grace unless we admit that we need it. 

Acknowledging and changing our habits of behavior is not an easy task – as Stephen Covey (the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) said, “You can't talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into.”6 When we commit to action, we being to learn bit by bit, uncovering habits and unearthing the wrong-thinking that motivated them. Then we have to rethink our motive and behave in a new way, repeating the new behavior until it becomes our new habit. Then we can tackle another habit and reform that. These are ways the apostle Paul described the process: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV). And, “do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2a, NIV). It’s faith-building to know that cognitive behavioral therapy is nothing new – the Bible prescribed this thousands of years ago! 

Everyone can learn and grow, if the obstacles of insecurity, fear and shame are identified and removed. Past trauma or neurodiversity is never an excuse for sinful, unloving behavior – God gives the Holy Spirit to counsel and guide us, and even though we will continue to make mistakes (and sin) for as long as we live in this fallen world, we are not under shame or condemnation. In 2 Corinthians 7:9b-11 (NIV), Paul talks about the difference between the remorse a healthy conscience produces (Godly sorrow) and the blame-shifting, self-pity and “death” that comes from unhealthy shame (worldly sorrow). We see illustrations of these responses in how, when challenged by the prophet Nathan, King David humbly took responsibility for his sinful murder of Bathsheba’s husband (Godly sorrow), compared to how King Saul dealt with his ongoing sin of jealousy towards David (worldly sorrow). Both Peter and Judas Iscariot betrayed Christ: Peter anguished about his sin and repented (Godly sorrow), while Judas tried to return the silver coins and chose to end his life (worldly sorrow).

In many ways, change and growth are all a part of ongoing repentance and sanctification, which are life-giving and relationship-protecting. We can’t make anyone else repent and change; we can only choose to do so ourselves. But by choosing this path, we act as courageous examples to those we love, offering ourselves compassion when we fail and enjoying the grace and encouragement of Christ as we grow. This process humbles us and allows us to be more patient and compassionate with our loved ones as they wrestle with their own obstacles to change. If even one spouse chooses the path of growth, in time it often inspires the other spouse to do the same. 

Growth Tips for Overcoming Resistance: 

• Prayerfully evaluate what ways you may be stuck in behaviors motivated by insecurity, fear and/or shame.

• Think about your family growing up; assess if you learned healthy boundaries and conflict resolution or if you learned how to people-please, hide, stuff your feelings and even blame-shift.

• If you discover that shame has motivated you, practice reforming your sense of identity in the grace of Christ. An excellent resource for this is Victory Over the Darkness, by Neil Anderson14. 

• Reset your goals to improving yourself (in Christ), and the marriage will most likely improve, too! If it doesn’t, you will have developed the character strength and support you’ll need to make wise decisions about moving forward.