Guest Blog: Reprinted with Permission
Author:Jodi Carlton, MEd
January 22, 2025
Codependency is a term often associated with enabling behaviors or unhealthy dependency in relationships, but when it comes to neurodiverse couples, this dynamic can show up in unique ways. Neurodiversity brings incredible strengths to relationships but can also create challenges that inadvertently foster codependency. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward building a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.
What Is Codependency?
At its core, codependency occurs when one person over-functions in the relationship to meet their partner’s needs, often neglecting their own. The other partner under-functions or becomes reliant on the first partner for emotional regulation, daily tasks, or decision-making. Over time, this dynamic can lead to resentment, burnout, or a loss of individual identity for both partners.In neurodiverse relationships—where one or both partners may be autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent—the tendencies for codependency can be exacerbated by neurological differences in communication, executive functioning, emotional regulation, or sensory needs.
6 Signs of Codependency in Neurodiverse Relationships
Overcompensating for Executive Dysfunction: A neurotypical or ADHD partner may take on an excessive share of responsibilities—such as managing the household, planning, or parenting—because the other partner (often autistic) struggles with these kinds of executive functioning tasks. While supporting each other is healthy, overcompensating can lead to frustration or the sense that the relationship is unbalanced.
Emotional Over-Responsibility: One partner may feel compelled to constantly shield the other partner from emotional discomfort, misunderstanding, or conflict. A neurodivergent partner may rely heavily on the other to interpret social nuances or manage difficult emotions.
Avoidance of Personal Needs: One partner may suppress their needs, desires, or boundaries to “keep the peace,” particularly if they fear overloading the other partner or triggering sensory sensitivities, shutdowns, or meltdowns. Over time, this self-sacrifice erodes their sense of self for the partner who minimizes themselves.
Caretaking Instead of Partnership: In many cases, a partner might take on a caretaker role, treating the other partner more like a dependent than an equal. This dynamic can prevent both partners from thriving and developing their full potential.
Cycle of Resentment and Guilt: Codependent relationships often create a cycle where the over-functioning partner feels overwhelmed and resentful, while the under-functioning partner feels shame or guilt for not “measuring up.” This feedback loop keeps both partners stuck.
Over-Explaining: Feeling compelled to explain yourself excessively can indicate a need for external approval, a common trait of codependency. This behavior often stems from past experiences in abusive relationships, either during childhood or as an adult.
Notably, these codependent behaviors can be present in all neurotypes (autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, neurotypical, etc.) and genders. It is a commonly held myth that neurodivergent partners are always the “takers” in that neurotypical partners are the caregivers in these relationship dynamics, but in my own work with neurodiverse couples, I have seen a range of combinations in codependent behaviors in partners.
Why Codependency Happens in Neurodiverse Relationships
Executive Dysfunction
When one partner struggles with tasks like time management or organization, the other may step in to fill the gaps without addressing the imbalance in shared responsibility until it becomes overwhelming. Caregiving partners often find it more efficient to handle tasks themselves rather than allowing the time and space for their neurodivergent partner to complete them. In some cases, the caregiving partner’s strong skills in time management and organization can lead to frustration or impatience when their neurodivergent partner completes tasks in a way that doesn’t meet their expectations or standards.
Hyperfocus on Harmony
One partner may fear conflict due to the other partner’s difficulty processing criticism, leading to avoidance of tough conversations. Additionally, many codependent caregivers had childhood experiences with a controlling or neglectful parent who prioritized their own needs above the child’s. In this type of family dynamic, children often learn to be peacemakers and minimize their efforts to ensure that others are prioritized.
Just yesterday, I met with a couple where the ADHD wife had an important realization: she had been unconsciously acting as the “middleman” between her autistic husband and her family. She also recognized that her family of origin has a dysfunctional communication style and holds significant negative narratives about mistakes, which prevents them from being able to joke casually. Her husband, on the other hand, has a witty, teasing personality, but she felt anxious about how her family might perceive him. In response, she took on the role of peacemaker, inserting herself into their interactions to try to smooth things over.
For many people, like my client, these codependent behaviors persist into adulthood until they recognize their own worth and the importance of prioritizing their preferences and needs. Embracing self-care, asking for help, and setting boundaries are essential steps toward fostering healthier personal and relationship dynamics.
Societal Pressure
One partner may feel pressure to “fix” or “normalize” their partner’s behaviors to fit conventional relationship expectations. They may “translate” or adapt excessively to bridge the gap between their partner and others.
In another example, a neurotypical husband regularly felt the need to speak for his wife in social settings, often interrupting her or talking for her without giving her an opportunity to respond. His behavior felt controlling and diminishing to his wife, who also experienced shame when he defended his behavior saying he was trying to help her because he didn’t want others to think she was weird or feel uncomfortable by her awkwardness.Some neurodivergent partners, however, are quite anxious in social interactions due to being misunderstood and judged. They often willingly depend on their partners to speak for them or act on their behalf to coordinate social engagements or personal appointments, thereby placing more pressure on the other partner to carry the social and mental load.
This two-way dynamic where one partner willingly takes on too much responsibility, and the other readily avoids it is a root of codependency.
Breaking the Codependency Cycle: Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for both partners to feel safe and respected. This means clearly communicating your needs and limits without guilt or shame.
Encourage Shared Responsibility
Instead of stepping in to “fix” every problem, codependent caregivers can encourage and empower their partners to develop skills and take ownership of their contributions to the relationship. This must be done in a non-judgmental and critical manner to avoid shame and increased anxiety to meet expectations.
Prioritize Self-Care
Both partners need time to nurture their individual identities. This includes pursuing personal hobbies, friendships, and goals outside the relationship.
Seek Professional Guidance
Therapy or coaching from someone experienced in neurodiverse relationships can provide tools to address the unique challenges you face while addressing codependent traits and patterns.
Foster Open Communication
Practice honest and respectful conversations about feelings, frustrations, and expectations. Acknowledge your differences in ways of thinking, feeling, and going about life. Recognize that misunderstandings will happen, but approach them with curiosity rather than blame.
More about Jodi: https://jodicarlton.com/
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