Guest Blogger:Neurodiverse Relationship Expert, Jodi Carlton, MEd
When it comes to understanding the complexities of human behavior, it’s easy to mix up certain traits or conditions that may appear similar on the surface. Autism and narcissism, for instance, are often confused, especially by those unfamiliar with their key differences. However, these two are fundamentally distinct in their origins, behaviors, and impacts on relationships.
In this blog, we’ll explore eight critical ways in which autism differs from covert narcissism, shedding light on the nuances that can help you better understand and navigate these conditions, whether in yourself, a loved one, or someone you know.
By exploring the following traits and behaviors, you will gain clarity and insight into these complex behaviors:
Self-Esteem and Insecurity
Victim Mentality
Passive-Aggressiveness
Empathy (Cognitive, Emotional, and Compassionate)
Envy and Resentment
Grandiosity (in disguise)
Emotional Manipulation
Withdrawal and Isolation
1. Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity
Covert narcissists often struggle with low self-esteem and deep-seated insecurities. They constantly seek external validation and approval to feel worthy and important.
Autistic individuals may experience anxiety or self-doubt due to challenges with social communication and sensory sensitivities, but this is not typically rooted in a need for external validation. They are less likely to engage in activities that bring attention to themselves or their actions–many autistics prefer not to be “perceived.” Autistic individuals may seek affirmation and reassurance from partners due to self-doubt, but this is not related to bolstering their ego.
2. Victim Mentality
The victim mentality of a covert narcissist is driven by a need to maintain control and garner sympathy. They often position themselves as the victim in situations to deflect blame, manipulate others, or maintain a sense of superiority. This behavior is calculated and serves a self-centered purpose: to keep others off balance, elicit constant validation, and avoid accountability for their actions. The covert narcissist’s victimhood is often exaggerated or fabricated to serve their ego and secure the attention and care they feel entitled to.
An autistic person may express feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed, or excluded. This is often due to the genuine challenges they face in navigating a world that usually doesn’t accommodate their sensory, social, or communication differences. Autistic individuals repeatedly experience situations where their needs aren’t met or where they feel marginalized. When they express frustration or sadness, it is not a manipulation tactic but rather a reflection of the real difficulties they encounter in everyday life.
3. Passive-Aggressiveness
Passive-aggressiveness can manifest in anyone as a way of expressing frustration or resentment indirectly, often through subtle behaviors like sarcasm, procrastination, or giving the silent treatment. “Normal” passive-aggressive behavior usually stems from an inability or reluctance to express feelings directly, often due to fear of confrontation or a desire to avoid conflict. It tends to be situational and doesn’t define a person’s overall personality.
In contrast, passive-aggressiveness in covert narcissism is more deeply ingrained and pervasive. Covert narcissists use passive-aggressive behavior as a chronic pattern of manipulation and control. This is tied to their fragile self-esteem and a need to assert superiority or maintain a facade of victimhood. Unlike others, who may feel remorse or regret after being passive-aggressive, a covert narcissist often feels justified and may even derive satisfaction from the confusion or discomfort their behavior causes in others.
This difference lies in the intent and frequency of the behavior. A covert narcissist uses passive aggression as a tool to indirectly express their entitlement, resentment, or sense of superiority regularly, often leaving those around them feeling manipulated and unsure of how to respond.
4. Lack of Empathy
Covert narcissists tend to have a deficit in empathy, particularly in what’s known as emotional or affective empathy—the ability to genuinely feel and share another person’s emotions. They might understand how someone is feeling on a cognitive level (known as cognitive empathy) and can even mimic empathetic behavior to manipulate or maintain their image. However, this understanding is often superficial and self-serving. Covert narcissists lack compassionate empathy, which is a blend of cognitive and affective empathy resulting in a desire to help others based on understanding their emotional state. Instead, covert narcissists use this awareness to exploit others and are focused on how they can benefit from a situation.
Autistic individuals, by contrast, may struggle with cognitive empathy due to difficulty picking up on social cues, recognizing the perspective of others, or understanding unspoken emotional states. This can lead to challenges with compassionate empathy if the emotions of others aren’t recognized or if the emotions don’t make sense to an autistic individual. Many autistic people, though, feel emotions intensely and can be highly compassionate, but they might express this empathy in ways that are not always recognized by neurotypical individuals. Their challenges with empathy are typically not due to a lack of care or concern but rather to differences in how they perceive and process emotions.
5. Envy and Resentment
Covert narcissists often harbor feelings of envy and resentment toward those they perceive as more successful, attractive, or talented. They will often subtly, but impactfully, sabotage a partner’s success. Although a covert narcissist may brag about a partner to others, they will often belittle their partner behind closed doors.
Autistic individuals may experience envy or jealousy due to social comparison, leading to intensified feelings of inadequacy or frustration. However, they are not likely to sabotage others or belittle the accomplishments of others in order to protect their own ego.
6. Grandiosity in Disguise
While covert narcissists may not display the overt grandiosity of a classic narcissist, covert narcissists still possess a sense of superiority and entitlement, viewing themselves as uniquely talented or misunderstood geniuses, despite having no evidence of actual expertise or higher levels of intelligence.
Autistic individuals may express extensive knowledge about their interests or abilities, which can be mistaken for arrogance, but this is typically not driven by a need to feel important. Because of their intense interests, they may develop expertise and skill sets that truly are superior to others and may even have higher levels of specific kinds of intelligence. Autistic individuals may openly discuss their skills and knowledge, but not for the purpose of feeling superior.
7. Emotional Manipulation
Covert narcissists use emotional manipulation in relationships by subtly undermining their partner’s confidence, twisting situations to make themselves appear as the victim, and using guilt or sympathy to control outcomes. They often disguise their true intentions making it difficult for their partner to recognize the manipulation. This leaves their partner feeling confused, guilty, or overly responsible for the relationship’s issues. This manipulation keeps the covert narcissist in control while maintaining their image as the more vulnerable or self-sacrificing partner.
Autistic individuals are typically straightforward in their communication and do not usually engage in manipulation, as they typically value honesty and directness. Moreover, autistic individuals are often unable to recognize when they are being emotionally manipulated. An autistic partner may lie to avoid conflict or when communication feels overwhelming. The intent comes more from a place of self-preservation than from a desire to control or confuse a partner in order to feel powerful or to get what they want.
8. Withdrawal and Isolation
Covert narcissists often withdraw socially as a tactic to maintain control or manipulate their partner. Their withdrawal is typically deliberate and used as a form of emotional punishment, such as giving the silent treatment when they feel slighted or when their partner fails to meet their expectations. This withdrawal is calculated, aiming to provoke guilt, anxiety, or a people-pleasing response from their partner. The covert narcissist’s social retreat is less about personal discomfort and more about asserting power and ensuring that they remain the focal point in the relationship.
In contrast, autistic individuals may withdraw socially due to genuine overwhelm or discomfort in social situations. Their withdrawal is often a response to sensory overload, difficulty understanding social cues, or the need to recharge after intense interactions. Unlike covert narcissists, autistic individuals are not seeking to manipulate or control others through their withdrawal. Instead, their retreat is a self-protective measure to manage stress or anxiety. The motivation behind their social withdrawal is rooted in a need for emotional and sensory regulation, rather than a desire to impact others’ emotions or behaviors.
Autism and Narcissism: Impact on Relationships
Covert narcissism can have a deeply damaging impact on couple relationships, as the narcissistic partner often manipulates and undermines their partner to maintain control. This can lead to a toxic dynamic where the non-narcissistic partner feels confused, insecure, and emotionally drained, constantly questioning their own worth and reality. The relationship is centered around the covert narcissist’s needs and desires, leaving the other partner feeling neglected, unappreciated, and isolated.
Autism, on the other hand, can create challenges in a relationship due to differences in communication styles, emotional expression, and social understanding. These challenges might lead to misunderstandings, frustration, or feelings of disconnect for both partners. Unlike covert narcissism, the impact of autism is not rooted in manipulation or control, but the impact on partners can still be extreme. However, with understanding, patience, and effective communication strategies, many neurodiverse couples can work through these challenges and repair hurts to build a strong, supportive relationship. The key lies in mutual respect, individual motivation, and a willingness to learn about each other’s differing perspectives and needs.
Blog Used with Permission from Jodi Carlton.
Quiz Autism or Personality Pathology https://jodicarlton.com/partner-rating-of-autistic-and-personality-traits-p-rapt/
Jodi and Stephanie talk about Autism, Narcissism or Both?
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