Author: Nicole Mar
A hallmark of the dysfunctional AS-NT (Neurodiverse) marriage is deep-seated resentment. Oftentimes the neurotypical spouse feels tricked into a loveless marriage, drained by the inequities in responsibility, and blamed for anything that goes wrong.
I’ve heard from many neurotypicals who can’t let go of resentment that the AS/ND spouse was not supportive during a serious illness, was neglectful during a pregnancy, was uninvolved during the upbringing of children, or was unwilling to assist with domestic duties. The list goes on and on.
I was caught up in the stronghold of resentment. It tainted my marriage and drained away our intimacy. My AS/ND spouse became more distant and more despairing as he felt incapable of getting us back to the happiness we once enjoyed during the early years of our marriage.
I’m now on the other side of resentment. God has set me free, and I am able to love my AS/ND husband without dwelling on his past mistakes. I’ve also learned quite a bit about how to build more equality and intimacy into our marriage in a way that makes us both feel loved and empowered.
If you are struggling with resentment, first I want to ask you to give this toxic emotion over to Christ. He can set you free, but you have to resign your will to let go of the past and forgive the prior missteps of your AS/ND spouse. Ask God to take away the pain. And if you need support to get through this step, there’s no shame in seeking the assistance of a counselor/coach who can work one-on-one with you.
Second, I want to ask you to acknowledge that resentment is sin. You must accept this and ask God for forgiveness, so you can be set free.
Jesus said, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-15.
In my own struggle, I had to ask God to help me see that I’m not perfect, and it’s not God’s will for me to expect perfection from my spouse. God also reminded me that I’d sinned, but Christ forgave me. I deserve hell, but God offered me heaven. For these reasons, I had an obligation to forgive my AS/ND husband.
Resentment is an interesting emotion. When you refuse to forgive your spouse for wrongs of the past, you think you’re holding this person captive. The reality is that you are the captive. You’re the one whose health is negatively affected. You’re the one who struggles to see the joy in life for the dark storm cloud shrouding you in pain. You’re the one isolating yourself from others or spreading negativity through your conversations with others.
Letting go of resentment immediately set me free from a variety of physical ailments, helped me see the joy in life, and drew genuine friendship my way.
The third request I make of you is to stop being codependent. Codependence is participation in an emotionally destructive partnership that is one-sided and requires you to do most, if not all, the giving.
Your AS/ND spouse usually needs you to say what you need straight and say it plain. Plus, because many people on the Autism spectrum suffer with debilitating anxiety, your prior responses may have conditioned your partner to do nothing as opposed to being corrected for not doing good enough.
I know you’re thinking “Oh you don’t know my husband.” “You have no idea how defensive my wife can be.” And maybe you’re right, but I was shocked by how a respectful and clear tone combined with a specific directive turned my stubborn Asperger spouse towards doing
exactly as I asked. Here is an example of old language that led to resentment and new language that today leads to fairness:
Codependent communication: Well, I’m going to make dinner tonight even though I have to run three errands after I get off work because God forbid you should have to lift a finger to help.
Confident communication: Tonight I have to run three errands after I get off work. Because I have so much to do, I need you to make dinner for the family. You are welcome to order takeout or cook. Either way, dinner needs to be ready by 7:30 p.m. so everyone can eat. Thank you for taking care of this.
I want to add a caveat here. These three steps work best if your AS/ND spouse is challenged mainly from the symptoms of autism. If you believe your spouse is also addicted to destructive habits such as drugs, alcohol, or gambling or if you believe your spouse struggles with other mental health issues such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, then you may need additional help from a licensed therapist trained in neurodiverse marriage.
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