Lowering Expectations vs. Changing Expectations in a Neurodiverse Marriage
Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Certified Autism Specialist
I love hydrangeas! A few reasons exist for this, perhaps number one I am not allergic to them, but also I have many memories of my grandmother’s curated lawn full of hydrangeas of many colors. I was mesmerized by the beauty of her yard and how she could create the different colors. She would tell me that the colors of hydrangeas can change by the soil. I often thought she was pulling my leg as adults can try to fool children but this is true. Look it up: Acidic soil: A pH below 6.0 produces blue or lavender-blue blooms.
My favorite colors are the blue and purple ones: so as I have tried to care for my hydrangeas I have tried to change the acidic level to achieve purples and blues. In my front yard, I have been able to achieve this and sometimes I put too much acidic additives in the soil and the flower turns a purplish brown. However, this was not the case in my backyard. The thumbnail for the article contrasts the 2 plants. This one plant in the backyard I would get so frustrated with! I called it friar tuck because the outside would bloom but the interior would remain bald. Each year I would fuss about the plant not fully blooming and I would enjoy it much less than the ones in the front that would turn my beautiful shades of blue and purple and “fully bloom” (as long as the deer do not eat them). Dan said, “Hun, I think this one is a different type of hydrangea and it is supposed to look this way.” For years I argued that this plant simply was not blooming to its potential. He got a new phone, took a picture and some app showed me indeed it is a different type of hydrangea called the Queen Anne’s Lace hydrangea and the interior does not bloom as it appears to be a crown with a lace of flowers surrounding the crown.
Oh, that changes everything! My expectations had to change because it was not the Hydrangea Arborescens which were in the front yard. I had to change my expectations not lower them based on the plant that existed, not the one I thought I had. With the expectations and care for the plant, I can appreciate it in an entirely new way instead of expecting it to look like the plants in the front yard.
There is a poem called “Welcome to Holland”, and I do not have the author’s permission to publish it here but the link is: https://www.emilyperlkingsley.com/welcome-to-holland
To summarize the poem, the author has an exquisite trip planned to Italy and has planned meticulously for this trip and consulted guide books and tours, but when the trip occurs and the plane lands the flight attendant says, “Welcome to Holland.” The author has a decision to make, does she mourn the trip she lost or enjoy the trip she has now. The reference is to having a child with special needs although planning and expecting a neurotypical child. It was not the planned destination, but the new destination is unique with its own beauty and she will quickly need to understand the landscape of the new destination so she can fully embrace it.
This is a long segway into lowering vs. changing expectations in your neurodiverse marriage, but let’s dive into that topic now.
In any marriage, expectations play a significant role in how partners relate to one another and how they experience the relationship. For those in neurodiverse marriages, where one or both partners may be on the autism spectrum or have other neurological differences, the role of expectations becomes even more critical. There’s often a temptation to lower expectations to avoid disappointment, but is this truly the best approach? Or is there a more beneficial way to adapt? Can a satisfying marriage be had in a neurodiverse relationship? I believe so with proper care, understanding, each person doing their work and a change in expectations.
When many of us married, we had an expectation of marriage and for our partner. In the Christian world we may have even been promised a certain outcome if you saved yourself for marriage and chose a Christian man you would have a blessed, enriched and satisfying marriage. Then there is a later in life diagnosis and you may be tempted to say, “I guess I have to lower my expectations.” If you do, you will always be dissatisfied and disappointed.
Important note: Autism is not an excuse for abuse! This is not the type of acceptance of which I speak!
The Trap of Lowering Expectations
When challenges arise in a neurodiverse marriage, it can feel tempting to lower expectations in order to "cope" or avoid conflict. Lowering expectations may involve resigning yourself to the idea that certain things will never improve. In this context, it might look like giving up on a partner ever engaging in long conversations, planning date nights, or contributing to shared emotional responsibilities.
On the surface, lowering expectations might seem like a practical, even compassionate, choice. After all, if you expect less, you won’t be disappointed, right? But here's the catch: lowering expectations often leads to settling, which can sow the seeds of resentment, frustration, and emotional distance over time.
Example: Lowering expectations could mean deciding that your partner will never initiate deep, emotional conversations. You might think, "It's just who they are," but this could lead to long-term dissatisfaction and a feeling of unmet emotional needs. Lowering expectations in this way also puts the focus on what isn't happening in the relationship, fostering a sense of defeat. You might believe you're just being realistic, but instead, you're possibly allowing negative assumptions about your partner to build up over time.
The Power of Changing Expectations
Changing expectations, on the other hand, is a much more empowering approach. Instead of lowering the bar and assuming the worst, changing expectations means*adapting your perspective to meet the realities of the relationship—without sacrificing your core needs.
In a neurodiverse marriage, this may involve reframing what success and connection look like. It’s not about reducing your standards but adjusting how you measure fulfillment. When you change expectations, you create a space for understanding and flexibility that accounts for each partner’s unique neurological makeup.
Example: Instead of expecting your neurodiverse partner to express love in long, verbal conversations, you could change your expectation to appreciate non-verbal forms of affection, like small acts of service or physical touch or planned conversations. This way, your emotional needs are still met, but through a different lens. By changing expectations, you acknowledge the uniqueness of both partners and focus on what works for the relationship, rather than clinging to a predefined ideal that might not be realistic for your specific dynamic.
Why Changing Is Better Than Lowering
The main difference between lowering and changing expectations is that lowering often feels like settling for less, while changing expectations involves*adaptation and growth. Here’s why changing your expectations is more beneficial:
1. Preserves Respect: When you change expectations, you respect your partner’s differences without compromising your own emotional needs. Lowering expectations, on the other hand, can lead to feelings of disappointment or disrespect over time.
2.Encourages Flexibility: Changing expectations allows for flexibility and adaptability, which are essential in a neurodiverse marriage.
3.Fosters Mutual Understanding: Adjusting expectations encourages open communication and empathy. Instead of assuming your partner is unwilling or incapable of meeting your needs, you create space for understanding how they can meet those needs in ways that align with who they are.
4. Creates Growth: Changing expectations provides opportunities for both partners to grow. By shifting your perspective, you allow the relationship to evolve in ways that may be unexpected, but ultimately fulfilling.
Practical Steps to Change Expectations
1.Identify Core Needs: Reflect on what your essential emotional and relational needs are. Which of these can be adapted without being compromised?
2. Reframe Your Thinking: When you notice you're lowering an expectation, ask yourself, "How could I change this instead? How can this need be met in a different way?"
3.Communicate with Openness: Have honest conversations with your partner about your needs, while also listening to theirs. This creates a two-way street for mutual adjustment.
4. Celebrate What Works: Focus on the unique strengths in your relationship, rather than what might be lacking. Neurodiverse couples often have creative ways of connecting that differ from the norm—embrace those!
Moving Forward Together
In a neurodiverse marriage, expectations can either make or break the relationship. Rather than lowering your expectations and feeling like you’re settling, choose to change them. This shift can lead to a more fulfilling, resilient partnership where both partners feel understood and appreciated for who they truly are. Through adaptation, flexibility, and open communication, your relationship can thrive in ways you might never have expected.
Take a moment to reflect on the expectations you hold in your neurodiverse marriage. Are there any areas where you’ve lowered the bar that might benefit from a shift in perspective? How can you begin to change your expectations in a way that honors both you and your partner?
Would you like to know more about realistic expectations, what can change and shift?
How do I shift expectations to realistic expectations for a satisfying neurodiverse relationship?
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