By Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes
James 1:19-20 (NIV)
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Several verses tell us to be quick to listen and slow to speech and seek wisdom in our speech and relational communication.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, whether personal or professional. One of the most powerful tools in communication is active listening, complemented by the ability to validate others' feelings. These skills foster understanding, trust, and emotional connection. Beyond relational skills, Scripture tells us to be careful in our speech and seek to understand.
Ephesians 4:29- Build others up in speech
Proverbs 15:1- Soft answer turns away wrath
Colossians 4:6- Let your speech be gracious
Psalm 14:13- Set a guard, O Lord over my mouth
Proverbs 12:18- Rash words are like a sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing
Ephesians 4:15- Speak the truth in love
What is Active Listening?
Proverbs 18:13 (ESV)- “ If one gives an answer before he hears; it is folly and shame.
Active listening is a communication technique that involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what is being said. It goes beyond hearing words to truly grasping the speaker's message, both verbal and non-verbal.
Steps to Active Listening
1. Be Present: Physically, Mentally & Emotionally
- Eliminate Distractions: Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and avoid multitasking.This is true for both partners. If you are needing to discuss something and need undivided attention, even if you think you can multitask putting a screen or phone away shows you are willing to listen and pay attention.
- Maintain Eye Contact: This shows the speaker that you are fully engaged. This may be difficult for the ND/AS partner, so talk about what will work for you both if one is unable to maintain and give full eye contact during the conversation. What other ways of connection may work?
- Focus on the Speaker: Give your full attention to the person speaking.
2. Show That You’re Listening:
- Nod Occasionally: This non-verbal cue indicates that you are following along.
- Use Small Verbal Acknowledgments: Phrases like “I see,” “Uh-huh,” and “Go on” encourage the speaker to continue versus interrupt.
3. Reflect on What You Hear:
- Paraphrase: Summarize what the speaker has said in your own words to show understanding. For example, “So what you’re saying is…”
- Ask Clarifying Questions: If something isn’t clear, ask questions to gain a better understanding, such as “What did you mean when you said…?” “I heard this, is this accurate?” Be open to feedback when you ask for clarity. (See Jeremy Rochford’s blog: Dumped Out Not Dumped On)
4. Respond Appropriately:
- Don’t Interrupt: Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts without interjecting.If you the NT spouse make sure to speak in smaller chunks of time and allow for processing time. If you are the AS/ND speaker, be careful not to monologue when asking clarifying questions.
- Provide Thoughtful Responses: Reflect on what has been said before responding. Avoid giving unsolicited advice unless asked. If you are triggered and cannot speak without being harsh or rash or argumentative, create pauses and timeouts. Own what is happening, “I am triggered” or “I am not able to continue” then state the need, “I need to take a 10 or 15 minute break can we meet back here in x amount of time?” If you get the break- respect the other person by taking the time to regulate then keep your word to return.
What is Validation?
Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences as understandable. It doesn’t mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their right to feel that way. Perspective taking and theory of mind can be challenges to the AS/ND person. Black and thinkers ask, “How can I validate their feelings when I disagree that they feel that way or that I did what they say I did?”
Steps to Validate Feelings
1. Listen Without Judgement:
- Be Open-Minded: Accept the person’s feelings without criticizing or dismissing them or arguing or getting into enemy mode..
- Avoid Comparisons: Don’t compare their feelings to someone else’s or suggest that they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Many times I hear from the AS/ND spouse they state,”If I could just explain what I did and how they misunderstood then they wouldn’t feel that way”. While this sounds logical it is dismissive of the other’s experience. Be open to hear the impact of what was said and done before explaining intention. Listen first!
2. Acknowledge the Feelings:
- Verbal Recognition: Use phrases like “I can see that you’re feeling…” or “It sounds like you’re really upset about…”
- Non-Verbal Cues: Nodding, maintaining eye contact (if possible), and using sympathetic facial expressions can convey understanding. Using facial expressions may not be possible for the AS/ND spouse since there may be a more blunt affect.
3. Normalize Their Experience:
- Relate Without Overpowering: Share a brief, relevant experience of your own to show empathy, but keep the focus on them. For example, “I’ve felt that way too when…” Be careful with this one. Do not switchtrack to you and your feelings and detract from the feelings they are sharing. Sharing a feeling is more about the feeling, not the story and how you reacted.
- Express Understanding: Say things like “It makes sense that you would feel this way because…”
4. Offer Support:
- Ask How You Can Help: Instead of assuming what they need, ask “What can I do to support you right now?” “What can I do to repair this?” “What kind of support do you need right now from me?”
- Be There: Sometimes, simply being present and offering a listening ear is the best support you can provide. You can be honest and say,”I don’t really know what to say to help.” Ask if a hug or touch could be helpful.
Putting It All Together
Here’s how you can combine active listening and validation in a conversation:
1. Be Present and Listen:
When your friend/spouse starts talking about a stressful day, put your phone away, maintain eye contact, and nod as they speak.
2. Reflect and Acknowledge:
Paraphrase their feelings to show understanding, “It sounds like you had a really tough day at work.” If you hear a feeling expressed, use that same word. If they said, “This interaction with me was destructive or caused despair” do not summarize with “You felt bad or sad” this is also dismissing the intensity of the feeling that was expressed.
3. Validate Their Experience:
Validate their feelings, “It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed with so many deadlines.” Even if you would not feel that way in situation, you are validated they have a right to feel that way and you see how THEY could feel that way.
4. Offer Support:
Ask how you can help, “Is there anything I can do to help you relax tonight?” or ask, “What can I do to help/support you?”
By mastering active listening and validating feelings, you create a safe space for open communication. These skills help build stronger relationships, foster trust, and enhance emotional connections. Remember, the goal is to understand and support, not to fix or solve. Practice these steps regularly, and you’ll notice a positive shift in your interactions and relationships. Communication is by far the most difficult issue expressed in our survey. Working on communication is a life-long skill in a neurodiverse marriage. Scripts, code words, taking breaks and continually using tools is essential!
If you want a great, short book on learning this skill set, colleague Barbara Grant told me about “I hear you” by Michael Sorensen. This book is great and gives practical advice on how to listen and validate even if you disagree with the intent or timeline of events.
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